Feeling the Love

I used to believe, for many years, that I was overlooked, unloved, insignificant, inept, and unnecessary. I would consistently feel negative, bitter, and would posses very bad feelings about not only myself, but others as well. I was very unhappy with myself in general. I didn't have many friends, not only because I couldn't keep them, but also because I would usually be too busy with twirling practice, dance classes or homework to spend time with any. Even though I was keeping myself occupied doing something I truly love, I felt horrible because I would subconsciously allow myself to succumb to negativity, simultaneously feeling confused as to why I was always alone. I somehow thought everyone I would ever meet would come to me. I never took initiative enough to initiate any conversation with anybody else and start meeting new and intriguing people to potentially commence any kind of friendship.

This worried my parents as well as myself. I chose to break out of that self destructive path and penetrate into a new attitude. Of course this happened after I fought and beat Cancer the first time. From then on, I started meeting new people from all over the world though my twirling, my music, my writing, and college. I began to witness a new and promising outlook on my life that put a smile on my face. I became a new me. A positive, hopeful me that people began to like being around. This made me feel golden, so I continued it. I then focused on the possibility of love, self improvements for the sake of love, and my appearance. Things began to improve, so I kept at it more. For a while things were alright. Great, in fact. Then, I noticed the symptoms. I noticed the same symptoms as before the Cancer came into the picture before. I started to worry internally.

I never complained that I was tired, I never told anyone that I was scared out of my mind. I never told anyone anything, until it was too much to keep in. I told one person at work I felt I can trust, my closest friends and my family. Then, came the push to go to the doctor to get tested. That was fairly easy. The next part was immensely difficult. THE WAIT . I waited for a week and a half for the results. It is one thing to wait on a podium in front of a panel of judges after a draining performance for your scores (in an arena of thousands of people, of course). It is quite another to wait by the phone on your week off from work while you are waiting to get your car fixed, without pay, as you are a workaholic who lives and breathes to work for a new studio and needs to work to keep your mind off of your potentially impending doom. This was my wait. It was hell, to say the least.

Just as I felt like bursting into tears and throwing in the towel and saying "to hell with it, I don't care anymore" it is time for me to go back to work. I walk into the studio and pick up where I left off. Just after I awake to start my day back at work, I get the dreaded call. "You have a relapsed session of Colon Cancer." (Well, ain't this a bitch?) What else is there to do? What do you say to that? My worst fears have just been confirmed and I need to go though it.... again. I thank the doctors for their time and I ask all the questions I can. They said they will get back to my very soon for scheduling treatments. What else can I do, I go to work. As I'm driving back to the studio, I think long and hard about my options. If I have to go through radiation treatments again, I will have to quit my job as I will have to miss months of work. I walk into the studio and I feel different. I see my work there for what it is and I see myself in my position for what I apparently am, expendable. Am I really happy here? Is this who I am? Is this what I really want to be? Is this somewhere I can be happy for the rest of my life? I think about it some more over lunch. I tell my immediate supervisor what has been happening and although I lover her to death, I just don't know what she will say or how she will react as she is even more of a workaholic than I EVER will be. She is a hard core go getter and I applaud her because she get things done.

I try to tell my bosses the scoop. To no avail, I try again. It always is the case, when one is available, the other isn't. Whatever. I have to keep on trying. The next day, I try again and the rolls are switched, but the situation is the same. only one is available and not the other. Monday, I come to work in my casual attire, jeans and a t-shirt. I FINALLY get my two respected bosses in one room at the same time. Here is my chance. I tell them everything. To my surprise, they tell me they really don't want me to go. They tell me that I am valued there, which kind of leaves me speechless. I simply tell them, "I don't really want to leave, but I have to have some time off for treatments and recovery. It turns out I got a call back on Saturday from my oncologist stating that I will simply need a small "easy" surgery and that will be the end of that.

So, I take my time off from work, again, and I go into the hospital, again, and I have my Cancer removed/treated....AGAIN! Well, as you can probably tell, I am already tired of dealing this card that I keep getting dealt. At any rate, I get nervous about the surgery and I worry. I tell EVERYONE and I worry. Now, keep in mind, I didn't really think I was too important, but that feeling is just me reaching back to my insecure past. To my surprise and my sincere joy, I am drowning in prayers, well wishes, kind words, kind actions from people I know from all over the world. Dancers, twirlers, musicians, teachers, students, firefighters and nurses, friends, family members, coworkers from every part of my life reach out to me. I am overwhelmed by humble joy and warmed by sincere happiness and comforted by a globe of people who I love and who love me in return. It's interesting, really, how I can go into something terrifying and physically on my own, (not to mention, scared half to death) and come out feeling comforted and safe.

I have so many people to thank for all the support and kind warmth from all over the place. I am eternally grateful for your generosity and love. Thank you all so much for comforting me in my time of fear. For making me laugh in my time of pain. for calming me in my time of sickness. Words are simply not enough to express my gratitude toward all of you who showed me that I truly am loved. I could not have done it without you.

Much love in return,

Eric.