For the Sake of Letting Go

I have been told many times that nobody can successfully get on with their lives without closure and forgiveness. I've always known the power of forgiveness, but I never had the emotional strength to actually let go of all the lingering pain and forgive everybody who hurt me in my life. Now, I write and I use it for a sort of therapy. I need to move on with my life and let go of all the pain and all the hurt. I do this for the sake of letting go. So here goes 32 years of pain.

I forgive you:

I forgive you Cosme S. for being a die hard bully and going out of your way to get me in trouble in junior high. For making it hard for me to go to school without the fear of wondering what will happen to me today. Yes, it hurt and I forgive you.

I forgive you Stevie for pushing me into walls and down stairs every single day in the halls of junior high and high school. I forgive you.

I forgive you Kendra R. for manipulating the truth and getting me into trouble in high school and calling me derogatory and racial slurs every day in English and I forgive you Mr. Britain, for always taking her side. I forgive you.

I forgive you Brittany R. for spreading viscous rumors about me, making fun of me, belittling me, and I also forgive your brother John R. for doing just the same. I forgive you both.

I forgive you Mrs. Bogart for sitting me in the back of the class with everybody else who were not white like you are, for calling me names in front of the entire class and making them ALL laugh at me, and for suggesting to my parents that I get psychological help. I forgive you.

I forgive you Julie G. for being utterly and completely disgusted by me for not being whit and upper class like you were and disinfecting everything I came in contact with for the fear of catching whatever you believed I had. I forgive you for calling me racial slurs in front of the entire school. I forgive you.

I forgive you Andrea V. for ignoring me and making me feel inadequate every day for three years in that pathetic, racist high class private school my parents put me in. I forgive you.

I forgive you James P. for taking out all of your frustrations out on me every chance you got, for abusing me just because I was simply there as your human punching bag and your slave, for putting your religion before your own brother, and for denying me a wonderful holiday with family for the sake of fear and ignorance. I forgive you.

I forgive you Laura for being extremely bitter to me about whatever it was that hurt you and made you so bitter and cold enough to cut me out of your life. I forgive you.

I forgive you Jamal T. for bullying me for the sake of fitting in freshman year. I forgive you.

I forgive you Mario M. for abducting me, abusing me and taking my innocence and my health away from me with no choice but to succumb. I forgive you.

I forgive you Dad for always being ashamed of me, calling me names, hitting me, cheating on Mom in front of ALL of us and still denying it. I forgive you for disowning me on my death bed, for being a mama's boy for 50 years of your life and letting mom slip away from you, for denying Laura was your only daughter, for saying that inexcusable thing you said to me when I was just a child. I forgive you for being belligerent and ignorant and not being affectionate to anybody your entire life. I forgive you.

I forgive you Sarah D. for ignoring me when I was pouring my heart out to you and you never even looked in my direction. For making time for a friend across the country but never squeezing in a moment for one across town. I forgive you.

I forgive you Pastor Turner for degrading everybody that wasn't you every day in church, for being racist and insisting everybody who wasn't white should go back to another country, for trying everything in your power to convert me because you couldn't stand having a gay man in your congregation. I forgive you.

I forgive you Robert G. for being a pathological liar every day of your life and never owning up to your mistakes even when you were caught. For stealing from me and taking me for granted for so long. I forgive you.

I forgive you Mark G. for hitting me, hurting me, lying to me, and never saying you're sorry. For dishing everything out and never being able to take it in return. I forgive you.

I forgive you Miss Greek for calling me names in front of the entire class and making fun of me like the true unprofessional you are. I forgive you.

I forgive you stranger, for playing that ultimately cruel practical joke on me and costing my mother money for your own amusement and denying it all and making me look like a criminal . I forgive you.

I forgive you Mr. Fairbanks for not keeping true to your word and doing absolutely nothing about the death threat I got in band freshman year of college and choosing to do nothing until it happened to you after you said "actions of bullying, threats, and racial slurs are immediate grounds for dismissal" and doing nothing but telling me to "just ignore it." I forgive you.

I forgive you Richard for threatening to kill me in front of the entire drum line. I forgive you.

I forgive you, charge nurse, who's name I blocked out, for leaving me in a pool of my own waste and ignoring my calls for hours at a time instead of doing your job and for actually telling me "I don't do that, do it yourself." I forgive you.

I forgive you Adam L. for snapping at me and telling me off in front of the entire university band when I did NOTHING to you at all, and for threatening me. I forgive you.

I forgive you Trey D. for hitting me, stealing from me, lying about me and causing two of the best friends I ever had to turn against me. I forgive you.

I forgive you, Trey's parents and grandmother for being absolutely insane and attacking me, kicking me out of the house all for the sake of speaking up to defend Trey and saying nothing irate or rude, I forgive you for punching me, scratching me, calling me cruel names, and trying to turn Trey against me and then promising Trey you'd apologize but never doing it because you are too proud. I forgive you.

I forgive you Albert M. for being extremely insecure, abusive, crude, for denying me any friendships, denying me to see my family, cheating on me with male and female coworkers, for NEVER taking any responsibility for anything you did to me but instead, flipping the script and making me to be the aggressor. I forgive you for introducing me to ALL your family as only your roommate, for slamming the car door on my leg and billing me for getting blood on you precious car door, for belittling me on almost a daily basis, for stalking me and hurting me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I forgive you.

I forgive you Josh H. for telling me you love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me and the NEXT DAY sleeping with countless different guys. I forgive you.

I forgive you Alan M. For cutting me off, for dignifying rumors like your students, and for being incredibly stuck up to me. For never letting me do my job for which you hired me, for putting me down when I was at my lowest. I forgive you.

I forgive you Karman T. for never keeping true to your word and for never being a good enough coach, snapping at me then talking about me behind my back, then ignoring me when I needed your help. I forgive you.

I forgive you Josie for NEVER making time for me but only calling me a friend but when I turn to you for help you kept putting me off on a back burner. I forgive you.

I forgive you Chris G. for being a lackluster corps director, blaming me for things I didn't do, for labeling me in your own sick ways, for talking smack about me behind my back. I forgive you.

I forgive you Lora L. for Never being a woman of your word, for giving me lip service by saying I'm here for you, but never actually were, for giving me false hopes after believing in you and your work, for snapping at me for no reason at all just to look big and bad. I forgive you.

I forgive you David C. for biting my head off every time you were in a bad mood and for spreading rumors about me. I forgive you.

I forgive you Gabby V. for dishing out plenty but never taking it yourself, for leading the entire color guard in mutiny, for calling me childish names behind my back, for lying to me and spreading horrid rumors about me all over the university. I forgive you.

I forgive you belligerent customers for throwing things at me and calling me uncalled for terms because you weren't paying attention and someone cut in front of you in the checkout line. I forgive you both.

I forgive you Jayson P. for ignoring me when I finally told you just how I felt about you. For embarrassing me in front of the entire drum corps. I forgive you.

I forgive you Sarah W. for being a total bitch to me and spreading those childish rumors about me all over the corps.

I forgive you John T. for lying about me to everybody, taking pity on me, for being the man whore of the drum corps and for flirting with everybody but me when we were going out. I forgive you.

I forgive you ignorant male nurse for the disgusting way you gave me my diagnosis. I forgive you.

I forgive you Lucas J. for being so assumptive and always treating me like I was some disgusting creature from another world. fir being so "high class" and snobby. I forgive you.

I forgive you Milana P. for treating me like I am beneath you and never apologizing for belittling me EVERY day at work when all I did was look up to you. I forgive you.

I forgive you Kristen D. for being the snobby, typical, belligerent bitch you were born to be. I forgive you.

I forgive you Jessica D. for admiring Kristen too much to never see she was doing anything wrong, and for kicking me when I was down. I forgive you.

I forgive you Grandpa T. for lying about me and for hurting me so much. I forgive you.

I forgive you Will E. for lying to me, saying you will always be there for me no matter who comes into your life, but once you got engaged, I seized to exist. To you I still I don't. I forgive you.

I forgive you Craig T. for being so lazy to get a job turning me down whenever I offered to help out, but still got mad at me for not helping out. For blaming the dent in the Mercedes on me, for being so defensive and hurting me when I only tried to help you, for trying to sue me for damages done to your own car. I forgive you.

I forgive you Blinn college for offering me an audition and then taking it away after you forgot that you already had promised the spot as feature twirler to another girl without so much as an audition, then telling me I'm not good enough to be a college twirler and don't feel comfortable having a make twirler when the man who told me this was a male twirler himself. I forgive you.

I forgive you Dr. K. for belittling me for not being able to afford that $325.00 per session for dental work done and making me feel like some low rent citizen. I forgive you for making me feel poor. I forgive you.

I forgive you Brodie P. I forgive you for falling in love with me, for getting down on one knee and proposing to me after one week, for being so romantic and sweeping me off my feet, moving me into your house and then in a blink of an eye deciding you don't want that kind of responsibility, that you'd rather be irresponsible and stay out at all hours and party instead of being there for me when you promised me you would. I forgive you for promising me to be there to support my students and then being too drunk to even remember that you'd promised me anything, I forgive you for turning EVERYTHING on me and trying to make me out to be some kind of bad person who did YOU wrong. For kicking me out of the house and leaving most of my belongings left out in the hall for me to pick up when I get home from work. I forgive you for trying to make it look like I wasn't allowing you to have fun. I forgive you for offering me the world and then instantly taking it all away from me. I forgive you for being unknowingly cruel and being a liar. I forgive you for believeing in me 100% and then pulling the rug out from under me. I forgive you for promising me to return all my things and then NEVER following through with it....for lying some more. I forgive you for making me believe in love just once more and thentaking it away from me. I hope you're happy with your friends and your clubs and your parties. I'm leaving the state of Texas and I'm leaving all memories of you. Pain and all. I forgive you.

There are so many more people I have not listed but that is only because I have already forgiven them. And now, with whole heart, sound body and full spirit, I have closure. CLOSURE.

So mote it be.